WALMART INTERVIEWING

The new Tawas City Walmart has announced that interviews for Walmart Associates will be conducted at the Days Inn in Tawas City from March 1, 2005 through March 31, 2005.  Starting wages for Associates will be $28.00 per hour plus full health coverage and a 20% matching 401(k) plan.

Door greeters will also be hired at the same time at a starting wage of $32.00 per hour plus benefits.

Walmart is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, sex, national origin or species, however, gays need not apply (Mr. Sam would not have approved).

Update January 1, 2008: Well, Walmart is still chugging along. Pay scales have been bumped to $40.00 per hour for Associates and $52.00 per hour for greeters. Many of the area's doctors, dentists and lawyers are now working at the store.

TSUNAMI STUDY

The Army Corps of Engineers, in conjunction with the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, has announced the completion of a study entitled Tsunami Dangers in Tawas Bay. This study was commissioned in the wake of the disastrous Tsunami on the Indian Ocean.

After applying computer simulations similar to the ones used several years ago to determine that Tawas Bay should be considered a flood zone that is subject to hurricanes, the study concluded that it will be necessary to move the cities of East Tawas and Tawas City to Hale as soon as possible.

The study further recommended that the move should be made as soon as possible after the cities are merged (see related story), since it will be much more efficient to move only one city rather than two cities.

Officials in Hale could not be reached for comment.

Update January 1, 2008: The Corps of Engineers and the DEQ have changed their minds about the Tsunami danger for Tawas Bay and now predict that Global Warming will cause Tawas Bay to become a desert, complete with sand dunes. The new plan is to regulate the Bay as a Critical Dune Area under Michigan law. If the Global Warming thing does not work out for them, the fallback position is a coming Ice Age, which will also require them to regulate the area under a soon to be enacted Critical Iceberg Law.

BIG BOY RESTAURANT SOLD

The Tawas Bay Big Boy Restaurant has new owners as of April 1. Pat Ruster, famous local hotelier, has branched out and has purchased the restaurant and banquet facility.

The restaurant will be completely remodeled and the name changed to the Tawas Bay Slim Person Restaurant. When asked about the name change, Mr. Ruster indicated the change is in keeping with the current national obsession with obesity and the politically correct view that the designation of the restaurant as a "Boy" discriminates against girls.

The restaurant's menu will also be revised to provide only healthy food choices such as lettuce, broccoli, sprouts and tofu. The house specialty will be a lettuce- broccoli- sprout- tofu burger which can be ordered with a special no-calorie, no-taste dressing and a side of tofu fries (which are baked, of course).

With the new menu, it is expected the restaurant will be declaring bankruptcy this summer

Update January 1, 2008: At the last minute, Mr. Ruster decided not to change the name of the restaurant and not to adopt the new menu. Instead he has added a new Steakhouse with calorie-filled foods and wines and lots of dead animals adorning the walls to provide ambience. So far, this strategy seems to be working out for everyone except the dead animals on the walls and on the menu.

ALIENS INTERCEPTED

On April 1, personnel from the U.S. Coast Guard Station Tawas intercepted an overloaded boat containing refugees attempting to flee to Tawas from Canada. Apparently, the refugees were doctors, accountants, teachers and other professionals.

The refugees immediately claimed political asylum, stating that they were Conservatives who have been subjected to unspeakable horrors by the ruling class in Canada, including compulsory participation in the Canadian National Health Insurance Program, confiscatory tax rates, a requirement that they say everything twice- once in English and once in French, and international ridicule for having to say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.

Upon landing, the refugees requested to be taken to the Walmart so that they could apply for some good-paying jobs and then to the Huron Hockey and Skating Association ice rink for a quick game of hockey.

Update January 1, 2008: The refugee aliens decided not to claim asylum but rather to just stay in the U.S. illegally. They analyzed the situation and decided they would be much better off as illegal aliens rather than U.S. citizens- free healthcare and no taxes, plus they will be able to vote.

GOVERNOR VISITS TAWAS BAY

In a surprise move, Governor Jennifer Granholm paid a visit to Tawas Bay on February 18, 2005 when her plane got lost in a snow storm and accidentally landed at the Iosco County International Airport and Bait Shop. She was heard to remark, "Gee, I didn't even know Michigan had a northeast side. It doesn't show up on any of the State's tourist brochures, eh". When asked if she could name the large body of water to the east of Tawas Bay, she shrewdly guessed "Lake Michigan?" Local Officials awarded her 90 points for that answer, explaining "Well, she is a blonde, you know...and cute".

Update January 1, 2008: Well, Governor Granholm hasn't made any more navigational errors that have brought her back to the area. Her current strategy is to destroy the State economy by increasing taxes (with the cooperation of the State legislature). If successful, this will drive any remaining Michigan companies and many residents to other States and she won't have to worry about visiting Northeast Michigan again since there won't be anyone living here.

CITIES TO MERGE

Dave Lesinski, Tawas City Council Member, has reported exclusively to News Around The Bay that the City Councils of Tawas City and East Tawas have secretly voted to merge the two cities into a single city bearing the name "Tawas Bay". The merger will be formally announced at the Sesquicentennial celebrations planned for Tawas City during 2005.

East Tawas Mayor Robert Elliott remarked "I have worked long and hard to see this day, when the cities of East Tawas and that other place would finally merge and form a megalopolis of 5,000 valued constituents and 32 others."

Update January 1, 2008: Well, virtually the entire Tawas City government was recalled and Mayor Elliott is no longer Mayor of East Tawas. The new plan is to split Tawas City into North Tawas and South Tawas. East Tawas will be split into East Tawas and West Tawas. If this works out, further splits into additional compass points are planned (Southwest Tawas, Southeast Tawas, etc.). This will allow virtually every citizen to be a member of some city government.

G.W.'s NATIONAL GUARD SERVICE

News Around the Bay has received exclusive documents from the Dan Rather School of Journalism that fill in the missing months of George W. Bush's Texas Air National Guard Service. According to these thoroughly researched and verified documents, G.W. was actually on a "black-ops" assignment in East Tawas, flying air cover for the annual Perchville festival.

Unfortunately, there will no longer be any helicopter tours offered at Perchville since George accidentally shot the helicopter down. The good news is that, since it was such a difficult shot, G.W. will receive the John F. Kerry Medal of Dishonor.

Update January 1, 2008: There is no update for this story. There still aren't any helicopters flying at Perchville and there probably won't be until G.W. is out of office.

NORMAN'S NEARS COMPLETION

In an announcement that shocked and amazed residents of East Tawas, a spokesman for Norman's Corporation has indicated that, after years of study and planning, a decision has been reached about the signage that will appear on their building. A single sign saying (of all things) "NORMAN'S" will be placed on the U.S. 23 side of the building.

With this difficult decision made, the spokesman further indicated that the remainder of the building will be completed before the end of April, stating "We didn't want Walmart to be able to complete their entire building (including a sign) before we were able to finish the Norman's building, seeing as how we had a 10 year jump on them." In an effort to mend fences with East Tawas officials, the spokesman also said the building color will be changed from its distinctive Norman's Green to earth tones.

Update: Unfortunately, Walmart was able to complete its store and has been operating for more than a year before Norman's was able to complete its building. A Norman's spokesman said "this is just another example of the predatory practices of the Walmart organization- hiring every local contractor and unemployed person in the area, thereby preventing us from being able to complete our building."

Update January 1, 2008: You will probably be shocked to find out that the Norman's Emporium and Outhouse still has not been completed. A Norman's spokesman was heard to say, "Hey, we don't need your business, we've got the tourists." Since the building appears to be falling apart however, the whole thing may become academic in the near future.